The Real Story
by Everystep
Summary: What really happened on that fateful day in the Soul Society. 100% crackfic. More inside.


Some backstory is needed before you embark upon this magical journey. Picture a sad student, heavily medicated from the various ailments from which she suffers and feeling pretty sick. Now picture her bored and discovering that the Bleach 187 RAW is online. Now, considering that she knows no Japanese at all, she watches it and imagines her own dialogue, letting her disdain for the current anime arc and her undying love for Izuru Kira guide the way. Now imagine what happens when she thinks it would be fun to rewrite the episode according to said imagined dialogue. What you see are the fruits of this fun and exciting situation.

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So obviously there are some things I would like you to keep in mind while reading this.

1) I was heavily medicated while writing this and subsequently decided that that the internet community could not be deprived of my drug-happy creation. I am still in such a state, hence me actually uploading it.

2) SPOILERS omg. Manga and anime alike. You have been warned.

3) I own nothing. NOTHING. No-thing. (Grey's, anyone?)

4) This is under no circumstances to be taken seriously. If you do then you make me sad, because I just told you not to. Shame on you.

5) If you're not caught up on both the anime and manga this probably won't make sense. And please excuse how I just refer to people however I want them with no regard for first or last names.

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Previously on Bleach…

Amagai was found to actually be evil! He snatched Lurichiyo from Ichigo's clutches and used spare pieces of copy paper (that miraculously stayed put in his uniform this whole story arc without shifting at all) to open some sort of space-time continuum vortex that took him to none other than the Captain Commander himself. However, he still managed to slice open a decrepit old man before he left, leaving Ichigo and Rukia dumbfounded.

Meanwhile, the hardworking captains of the Gotei 13 jumped across some rooftops and chatted while their subordinates laid waste to the Kasumi-Ooji mansion.

* * *

Renegade captain Shusuke Amagai stood menacingly behind the Captain Commander, waiting to make his move on the elderly gentleman. Without turning to face his young and unkempt opponent, the Captain Commander spoke.

"So I see you are a traitor. Interesting." Amagai laughed.

"HA! Look at me! I'm so awesome and I will own you all!" The Captain Commander sighed.

"Except…you won't. PWN, Ryuujin Jakka! Fall, shirt! Look at my incredibly muscular body! Especially considering I'm about one million years old! Drink it in!" he taunted as flames exploded from his blade. Amagai scoffed.

"Oh, but you didn't know that I stole all these creepy eyeball things and fed them to this completely inconspicuous tuning fork! I repel your fire with SOUND WAVES!" he cried, sending a ripple of green across the smoldering floor. However, just as his attack encroached on the Captain Commander's personal bubble, a screen of pink mist partitioned itself between the two battling forces.

"OH HELL NO BITCHES! PINK FLOWERS OF DOOM, ATTACK!" ordered a voice from the shadows as the floral assault began. Kenryuu walked forward proudly, looking smart as ever with his stylish turtleneck underneath his robes.

"MY VOICE IS SO HIGH! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? I'M REALLY BUFF BUT MY VOICE IS AT A LEVEL ONLY DOGS ARE CAPABLE OF HEARING!" screeched Enryuu, rushing to Kenryuu's aid. They both joyfully reunited with Lurichiyo, who silently wondered how she got stuck with such weird retainers. Amagai snickered at this heartwarming display of affection as someone called out to him from behind the haze of pink.

"Amagai, seriously. What are you doing?" Ichigo asked, tilting his head in confusion. Amagai grinned maniacally as he too let his robes fall off of the upper part of his body and attached the tuning fork to his arm. It quickly overcame him, crawling up to his shoulder and fastening itself around him with a military-esque strap. Ichigo and Rukia shook their heads.

"I'm going to reminisce, if you don't mind," Amagai said, letting his eyes wander to a far-off place of meadows, frolicking and all around wholesomeness. "When I was just a young lad in the Shinigami academy, I had a friend. However, the Captain Commander showed up one day and was fighting my friend. I saw his incredibly ripped body and was overcome with boyish jealousy…so I made a vow. I vowed that I, too, would fight with my glorious half-naked body and flaming sword. And now here I am." Rukia coughed.

Meanwhile, in the Kasumi-Ooji manor, captains and former captains alike assembled to discuss the grave situation at hand. Thirteenth division captain Juushiro Ukitake cleared his throat, turning to sixth division captain Byakuya Kuchiki.

"Byakuya. Why are we all standing in this circle?" he asked the sixth division captain, supposedly in charge of the entire operation. Byakuya closed his eyes.

"Because." Ukitake nodded. Former second division commander Yoruichi Shihouin spoke next.

"Hey hey hey! I'm just gonna explain this all to you." Tenth division captain Toushirou Hitsugaya interrupted.

"Why are you here?"

"Stuff it, whitey. Anyway. It may shock you to know that Urahara knew about this whole fiasco long before it ever surfaced." Silence followed. "He somehow manipulated Ichigo into getting involved with this, and we all know how that turns out. Anyway, here we are now. Oh yeah. That Amagai guy is totally a fake. And so was his ridiculous third seat. Luckily Kira is amazing and found him out like thirty seconds after he and his stupid purple glasses arrived." Eighth division captain Shunsui Kyouraku nodded sagely.

"Agreed. Kira _is_ amazing. I predict that when we're through with this strange alternate universe and remember that whole Aizen threatening humankind deal Kira will fight one of his underlings and it will be so badass your head will explode." Yoruichi responded.

"Although, he's probably gonna be injured and sulking throughout this whole 'final battle with Amagai' deal. Sucks for him. Because if what you say actually happens, he would end this in about three seconds." The rest of the group mumbled their agreement. Suddenly, Shuu, a member of the Kasumi-Ooji family, ran through the crowd towards the distinguished gathering.

"OMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD"

"What do you need?" Yoruichi asked.

"You have to help!" he cried. "Amagai is crazy and is threatening the Captain Commander! Ichigo is gonna fight him! And I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HIM! …Have none of you noticed that? I mean it's really weird." Byakuya sighed.

"Do you realize that I control your family? And that this whole ordeal is because you have been dealing some sort of illegal weapons? Do you know how much trouble you're all in? I'm seriously going to shank someone."

Elsewhere, Amagai prepared to go toe-to-toe with none other than Ichigo Kurosaki.

"I'm so crazy! I'm filled with manly rage!" he declared. Ichigo gave him a stern look.

"Good will always prevail. I won't allow you to hurt my friends. Or old men like the Captain Commander over here. Your elder abuse days are over, Amagai." Rukia fidgeted nervously.

"Nii-sama is gonna be _pissed_…" she began, however, at that very moment, a bandaged and enraged Izuru Kira descended from above.

"WHY ARE ALL MY CAPTAINS SO WEIRD?" he demanded, pointing his sword at Amagai, who stood, stunned.

"Wh-what's this?" he stuttered, but his bitter lieutenant left him no time to ponder.

"Raise your head, Wabisuke!" Amagai cringed.

"Damn it all," he lamented. Ichigo stepped back, taking in the sight before him.

"…Kira's a _boss_," he noted. Rukia nodded.

"Indeed. You know, Ichigo, a lot of people seem to like Ulquiorra. How about when we get back to Hueco Mundo you just let him win, and then Kira can take over your role as the protagonist?" Ichigo frowned.

"But I don't want to die!"

"Oh, stop whining. Orihime can just hax you back to life anyway."

"You have a point. I'm in."

"I can't believe I trusted you!" Kira shouted, hitting Amagai's tuning fork arm of death repeatedly with his sword. Amagai sighed.

"Well…you seemed quick enough to put all of your trust in your previous captain. What was his name? Gin Ichimaru?" Kira stopped, frozen in his stance.

"Don't say that name in front of me." Amagai attempted to back away slowly, but because of the increased weight of his arm, found it impossible. Kira continued. "War is despair. War is angst and tears of blood. That is what we believe in the third division. Why Ichimaru was assigned there I don't know, because he's kind of a psychopath. But regardless. You piss me off. And now you will die." Ichigo and Rukia covered their eyes, listening to the sickening sounds of Amagai's defeat. Once the carnage seemed to have ceased, they peeked hesitantly through their fingers.

"Daaaaaaaaayum!" they remarked. Kira nodded, proceeding to brush his shoulder off. Their moment of astonishment was cut short, however, by a large Garganta opening in the bloodstained sky of the Seireitei. Kira gasped in horror as his former captain Gin Ichimaru descended to the ground in a beam of light.

" Izuru!" he exclaimed, "I had no idea you were that amazing! I'm totally ditchin' Aizen!" Kira stared, letting his zanpakuto fall to the ground with a loud "clang". The clouds in the sky parted to allow single rays of sunlight to sprinkle across the ground. Former captain and lieutenant ran towards each other, sharing a brotherly embrace. The members of the Gotei 13 gathered around to witness the happy sight, their joyous weeping echoing throughout the Soul Society.

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So I might have taken some creative liberties with the ending...In my defense...actually no. There are no excuses. Please be kind if you review...it _is_ a crack piece, after all.


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